To the guy that broke my heart…
When I say broke, I mean shattered in a million pieces that you then stomped and trampled upon, and in my mind, laughed an evil laugh while skipping away singing from happiness like you were in some sort of musical. It felt like you left unscathed, not even a little bruise, while I was left to deal with the devastation that your absence left in my heart. For so long, I was convinced, that because you left, that meant you were okay. And I was left to somehow try and cope in this new, not-so-rose-coloured world.
But somehow, even though you never admitted it to me, and probably never will, I know that it hurt you, probably just in a different way. Because I hope, that you can’t crush someone like that, without feeling anything at all. That you can’t walk away from someone who truly loved you unconditionally without feeling at least something.
Looking back, you said that you didn’t know who you were without me and you needed to find yourself. When you said it I thought you were being an idiot (to be completely honest here). But now, almost a year later, I have grown so much that I now know that maybe I really did not know who I was without you too, and maybe, just maybe I like the version of myself, without you, more. Although my change didn’t have anything to do with your absence, but rather the presence of something much greater.
When I was with you, I needed constant reassurance that I was loved and beautiful and valued. Now, with God’s amazing love, there is no doubt anymore. I have found my worth in God, and I don’t need anyone to tell me or reassure me, because a stronger, greater love than that of God cannot be found elsewhere. When I was with you, I kept thinking, I wasn’t good enough and one day you will leave me and then I won’t be able to go on. I was right that you would leave, but I wrong about not being able to go on.
As God came into my life, everything changed. I met new amazing friends, I tried new things, I started caring more about others, my life changed into one I felt that I could be proud of. I learned how to make conversation with strangers and learn about them, I learned the value of caring, I learned how to take care of myself. I learnt how to follow God’s will instead of my own and most importantly, I learned how to love myself and how to deeply love God with all my heart and leave my life and circumstances in His hands.
If I could see you now and be completely honest with you, I would just want to tell you about God in the hope that you will find Him too. I distinctly remember you telling me once that you had this incredible void in your heart and when you met me it was filled. It was as if I was what you were missing all along. For a while, you thought I was exactly what you needed, and vice versa. But, the few times that I have spoken to you since we broke up, it sounded like you were trying to fill the void in your heart again but this time with alcohol, and crazy parties, and pretty much anything not related to God. I wish that I could just tell you that no one, not even me, was ever meant to fill that void in your heart. That nothing on earth will ever fill that void, not even the most perfect human love, will ever come close to filling up that hole. God, was always meant to fill that gap, and I am sorry that I ever even thought I could, and that I thought that you would be able to fill mine.
A year later, I still feel compelled to pray for you, even though it is incredibly hard at times, because it feels like the opposite of what I want to do. But to me it feels like God’s way of healing me and teaching me to pray even for those who hurt us… I just truly want you find God and give your life to Christ, because everyone deserves that kind of love. Even those that you feel have wronged you in life. In some way, I wish I could be angry at what you did to me. But I understand now, and I am grateful. Because of what you put me through, I found God, an amazing love in Jesus Christ my saviour. And I will never be able to trade His amazing love for anything this world can offer.
So now looking back, I don’t see you as skipping away joyfully singing from all this, but I see you as human. Someone who made a decision they thought was right. Someone who probably has just as much hurt, sorrow and issues they need to deal with in their life. Someone who longs to fill that void in their hearts and who needs God to fill that empty space just as much as I did.
So when I say I hope you find what you are looking for, I know it will change your life when you find it, because it changed mine.