What would happen if…?

Ever wonder what would happen if you took all the time you spent hating yourself, and used it on loving yourself instead?

I must admit, this is a genuine struggle for me, and it has been for a long as I can remember. Never have I felt like I was that girl. That girl that everyone wants to be friends with, that girl that everyone thinks is beautiful, that girl that has the best personality that everyone is drawn to. I have never seen myself as anything of worth. My best description of myself in any aspect would have had to be “the definition of average”.

Growing up I never felt beautiful,  I never felt like I had a shining personality or great beauty. I always looked at those around me and wondered what I did wrong to deserve being so plain and simple. Why wasn’t I born, as Maybeline would say, with it? Why was my life so ordinary compared to those I saw around me?

As I got older, I kept searching for that one thing. That one moment that I thought I would have where I felt like the person someone wanted to be. Where in that moment, I would look at myself and not feel like a failure, where I would feel complete contentedness and know that maybe just maybe this was my reason for being. Yet, after 23 years, I can say with honesty, I’m not sure I have ever felt that way in the moment.

Looking back, I know that life wasn’t meant to be perfect, and I was never going to be someone else. That hating myself, my imperfections, my flaws, focusing on every negative aspect I found in myself, was only affecting me. It was tearing me down each day, chipping away at my being,  without me ever noticing how much damage my own thoughts were doing to me.

Then last night I had a thought, what if all the time that I spent hating myself, I had spent on loving myself and seeing the good about myself? In that moment I knew that my views of myself were monumental in shaping my life. If I forever believed that I wasn’t good enough, or deserving of an amazing love, or worthy of being loved, then I would make my choices based on my beliefs of myself. I would accept a love that might be bad and cause more harm than good, but because of my beliefs of myself, I would think it was what I deserved.

So even though I know this will be a lifelong struggle, I am making the choice today to acknowledge that this is a problem, and to actively work on being a little less harsh on myself. To forgive myself for all my imperfections. What will make this easier? God’s love. God loves me fiercely. And remembering that He loves me unconditionally already, almost feels like it makes it a bit easier to love myself too.

NIV – Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Song of the day: King of My Heart by Bethel Music & Steffany Gretzinger

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