‘Tis but a thought.
I am analytical. I am a thinker. An over-thinker. My brain will think about every possible outcome, I will think about the what if’s, the maybe’s, what I should or could have done. So that is what I do, I overthink. And during this incredibly hard time in my life, I really put my brain into overdrive trying to understand my ex’s decisions, thought-processes, and actions. I really tried to understand, and to my own detriment I focused a lot on every single thing that I did wrong. Analysing every one of my mistakes so much that I broke myself down even further.
What feels like a lifetime later
I still don’t understand. I don’t understand how we went from a love where we couldn’t get enough of each and made promises about a lifetime together, to a situation where we both resented each other and where he made me feel as though I was nothing and no one. He may never understand the devastation that he caused in my life. And for a very long time, I was so mad that he wrecked me and didn’t even know the pain and suffering he caused. It felt so unfair and I struggled to deal with the injustice of it all.
I may never understand his choices and how he treated me, and maybe that is okay. Making the choice to move on and accept that I made mistakes, learning from them and closing that chapter. For too long I tried to understand, and it just hurt me more. I tried to rationalise why it was me suffering, when he was fine. And the more I tried to understand, the less I did.
Why, why, why?
God doesn’t promise us answers to the pain in life. We may never know why all the horrible things happened, but God promises us solace and grace. With God’s love healing us, maybe we don’t have to know the answers. When God spoke to me that first time, the first thing He said was that He didn’t bring this pain into my life. That is all I need to know for now. Because to me it means that God doesn’t want me to hurt, and every step that I have walked with God since it happened has proven that He truly is the God of love and healing.
Sometimes I still struggle to give everything to God and to try and let go of trying to understand someone else’s mind. But I know with surety in my heart that God has a plan, and I am still praying that God will give me the strength to let go and let God take over. God sees the bigger picture, where I can’t even possibly fathom it.
So let go, and let God.
Side note: The book of Job deals beautifully with this topic. Definitely worth a read. Would definitely suggest watching the Bible Project’s summary of Job. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQwnH8th_fs